Tag Archives: Women

Valentine’s Day Romance Tips

Valentine’s day, regardless of relationships status, causes internal woes within the mind grapes of so many people. Admittedly, this most romantic of days was created with women in mind. Let’s face it, masculine men don’t appreciate red and pink hearts, greetings cards and/or balloons, so if you’re reading this and wondering how you can be romantic on Valentine’s Day, you probably own a dick and are terrified of having it unsexed on Valentine’s Day by being less romantic than your lady friend deserves. So, here I have compiled a small list of sure fire ways to get your dick sucked on Valentine’s Day. You’re welcome!

Before I begin, I should probably make it abundantly clear: This list was compiled with independence and maturity in mind. If you don’t have your own place and in spite of having a full time job and a butt load of savings in the bank still live with your mother, then you should probably leave right now. Nothing screams ‘I breastfed until I was fifteen!’ like a man who thinks it’s okay to take a Valentine, or someone he wants to fuck, to his childhood bedroom whilst his mam sleeps down the hall. I mean, what’s wrong with you?

With this in mind, let’s continue to the list:

Décor:

Women love a wonderfully decorated room. If you look on Pinterest, there are so many pins and images dedicated to soft lighting, candles, fluffy pillows etc. that the entire concept is becoming a little tiresome; it’s white noise and doesn’t really scream romance any more. Plus, if you’re living in a masculine space it’s pretty hard to get fairy lights and candles inside without someone accusing you of being gay, which is definitely NOT what you want someone you want to stick your dick in to feel like. So, I have the best solution: Balloons. Specifically, balloons that allow you to share what’s in your heart, but you’re too afraid to say:

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Love Bites Balloons, Firebox, £5.99

My favourite is the one that says ‘LET’S FUCK’ because it encapsulates the true essence of Valentine’s Day, in my opinion.

Entertainment:

Let’s face it, Valentine’s Day is awkward for an abundance of reasons. The expectation of sex is pretty much the only reason you’ve gone to all of that effort with the balloons and the anticipation of having sex may be too much for your Valentine to comprehend, without distracting themselves with some light hearted entertainment, such as the following:

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The Big Book Of Penises 3D, Firebox, £24.99

This book comes with 3D glasses so that your Valentine can be fully acquainted with a variety of penis shapes and sizes, so that when your penis is out on the table (please not literally), there won’t be any nasty or unwelcome surprises.

Hors d’Oeuvres:

I’m going to assume that, if you’re inviting your Valentine to your pad, you’ll be cooking, because let’s face it, who wants to openly admit that the only reason you’re inviting them to yours is because your house mate is out and you haven’t been laid in ages. So, under the guise of appearing romantic, you’ll cook. If you want to impress her even more, you will have some hors d’oeuvres for her to have a nibble on and, courtesy of Firebox, you’ll need to look no further!

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Edible Anus, Firebox, £6.99

The tagline is ‘eat out this Valentine’s Day’, which is, really, all you need to know.

Gifts:

The ultimate goal for any girl on Valentine’s Day is receiving gifts. If she tells you otherwise she’s lying, because she doesn’t want to seem like a bitch, but if you know women as well as I do, women are all lying bitches and only say they don’t want presents so that they can call you out for being shit and cause a really big argument on what is supposed to be a really romantic day. So don’t let her get one over on you this Valentine’s Day! Give her a gift that she’ll enjoy. Like crabs! Or Syphillis! Or The Clap!

STDS

Giant STDs, Firebox, £8.99

If you follow my guide to romance on Valentine’s, I can guarantee you that by the end of the night, the only seat you will need in your house is your face. You’re welcome, internet.

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Women: Get Your Own God Damned 80s Franchise!!!

There have been rumours about a re-boot of 1984 classic Ghostbusters circulating the old rumour mill for quite some time now, causing the internet to ripple with glee and speculate as to what the future may bring for their childhood heroes. Some people were hopeful that the original cast would return to kick start the franchise in a manner that only eighties stars know how to perfect and others were more optimistic about a reinvention and reimagining of the movie with a new, young and well-skilled cast to fit in with modern times. Therefore, when news hit that the brand new cast of Ghostbusters would be WOMEN, needless to say, the internet went into a free-fall and became agog with controversial statements, sheer disgust and general disbelief that the classic eighties movie would feature an all-women cast. As the internet will be more than happy to tell us, it’s just one more thing that cannot be sacred to men anymore; it’s bad enough that women took the vote from men, and the fact that they started DEMANDING that men wear those horribly uncomfortable condom things that NUMB the penis to barely tolerable levels, they now have to mess with classic eighties movies too? It just seems that feminism is TAKING OVER and the world as we once knew it will be RUINED AND DEAD.

I can’t say I disagree with them, I mean, is there really a need for an all-female cast? It just seems too implausible so me that a group of women would be able to act alongside each other without either getting distracted and going shopping, or starting a huge fight, as we all know groups of women are prone to do. I mean, it doesn’t even make sense, because like, an all-male cast makes so much more sense than an all-female cast and let’s be clear here, you guys, an entirely female cast would be TOTALLY sexist against men. I mean, in their defense, women didn’t exist in the eighties, there were only mothers and grandmothers, maybe some sisters, but actresses, no they didn’t exist, so there was no other choice but to have an all-male cast. But in 2015 there are women EVERYWHERE as well as there being a small selection of men still left, so surely the most EQUAL thing to do would be to have a mixture of both male and female actors? It makes absolutely no sense to ignore men entirely and have them play supporting roles… men don’t do that, they can’t, it’s an affront to both their masculinity and our general enjoyment of cinema. Also, a small fact I bet you didn’t know about: women didn’t even like Ghostbusters in the eighties! Like I said, most women back then were either mothers, grandmothers or sisters and they were mostly involved in learning how to be better at looking after their sons and husbands, current or future, so the only people who saw the movie were men, so really the remake should be made to remember the sacrifices men made to go to the cinema and see the movie in 1984. I mean some of them missed the dinner that their mothers made and others didn’t get to say goodbye to their grandmas before they died. Hollywood owe it to men to recreate the film exactly like the original; for both their lost dinners and their dead grandmas.

Traditionally, as we should all know, ghostbusting is a legitimate man profession that women simply couldn’t do: They couldn’t hold the equipment in their tiny, girlish hands and would most probably break a nail trying to switch the thing on. Women hate wires because they get tangled in their hair and anything to do with machinery causes women to scream and hold onto their petticoats, demanding a man come and relieve them from such a GOD AWFUL situation. Men have an innate understanding of wires and machinery as taught inside the womb at man-school, so they would be much better equipped to do the job of manning, holding and using the elaborate ghost-sucking hair dryer machines. Another small fact that women couldn’t POSSIBLY COMPREHEND is the science involved in ghostbusting; it’s so intricate and delicate which is obviously why there are ONLY man scientists – women have absolutely no understanding of science whatsoever. Like, it doesn’t even compute to them, which is why you never see female science teachers or any females in a scientific classroom. There have also been absolutely no scientific discoveries or anything note-worthy contributed to science by women at all, which makes the entire film TOTALLY unrealistic and RUINS the integrity of the movie altogether, if you ask me.

Another thing that makes the movie entirely implausible is the fact that ghosts are attracted to a woman’s period, much like bears, which means the set of the new Ghostbusters movie will be INFESTED with bears AND ghosts and as we all know, women can’t multi-task so who gets the job of sorting out all the unwanted ghosts and bears? Probably some MALE cast member who won’t even get recognition in the credits, that’s who. Can I also point out as well, that even though ghosts are attracted to periods, that doesn’t make women more accepting of them. Oh no, women are TERRIFIED of ghosts. Which makes the entire soundtrack pointless, I mean, Ray Parker Junior would be spitting in his grave if he were dead at whoever remakes his classic song. It will probably be NICKI MINAJ who will be like ‘I AM SCARED, I AM SCARED OF ALL GHOSTS’ and then shake and twerk her buttocks around, which is not what Ghostbusters is all about at all. It’s just a common fact that men are better equipped to deal with things like the un-dead so much more better than a woman, in the same sense that they are better at dealing with both spiders and a woman’s period: There are just things that women simply don’t understand when it comes to dealing with scary things, which means that when faced with a ghost in the movie, most of the characters would run back to their trailers and hide there until one of the male cast members got rid of it.

Perhaps the most terrifying and saddening part of the remake is that the comedy rampant throughout the original movie, simply won’t be present in the remake, because, as we all know WOMEN AREN’T FUNNY. I mean, the fact that I even have to write that is ridiculous, I mean, did the people behind green lighting the remake do absolutely no research whatsoever? Take the writer, Katie Dippold for example, I mean she wrote for Parks and Recreation which we all know is a serious documentary about the parks and rec department of an American council… I mean, what funny things happen there? “Oh no! I put a slide in upside down. NIGHTMARE!” I don’t think so, Dippold. And let’s not forget all the women who were on Saturday Night Live – no funny women have ever come from Saturday Night Live even the really famous ones like Tina Fey or Amy Poehler. No, there are only funny men on that show, like Kenan Thompson, who is like, super famous from the nineties.

I am absolutely right by you, male humans, when you say that the new Ghostbusters movie will SUCK. I wish feminists would just realise that this is a man’s world and that movies are a man thing, that only men enjoy. I mean, would women like it if there was an all-male cast of Sex and the City? NO! Women would hate it. I mean, men don’t invade a woman’s world or try to control what women do ever so why do women feel the need to invade a man’s world and take all of the good things away from them? It’s just not fair, you guys.

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Selfish Selfies: Why I love The Selfie

I’m going to write a blog. But first? Let me take a selfie…

The Selfie has become an element of society that is so deeply ingrained within pop-culture, that it was bound to raise a few eyebrows and prompt a few head shakes from the media. Selfie culture has gone from a few teenagers taking pictures of themselves in their bedroom, to an overwhelmingly successful industry that not only includes The Selfie Stick, but an opening in the market for Kim Kardashian to slip into, thus creating Selfish the first Selfie book.

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Within the media, selfies generally are attributed to an overwhelming sense of narcissism, only further perpetuated by our use of social media; it enhances the concept of digital narcissism and our innate desire to brag, show off and become constantly apparent in everyone’s lives. There are countless articles online that perpetuate the concept that being appreciative of one’s appearance is wrong and that posting a picture of yourself looking good because you feel good makes you a self-absorbed monster and is representative of something very wrong, not only with social media as a whole, but you specifically are more likely to be a pervert, a psychopath and must have something very, very wrong with you. A selfie is tantamount to you standing on a stage, overtly seeking approval from your peers by screaming, ‘LOOK AT ME’ and not at all as a result of a simple, innocuous action as a result of feeling good about yourself. The concept of feeling good, feeling self-confident and thinking you look good is entirely inert within this research – it seems that general opinion dictates that if you take selfies, then you are insecure, constantly seeking the approval of others and are dangerously narcissistic.

This is, I think, why social media is seemingly agog with the concept of Kim K releasing her very own selfie-positive book: people are openly questioning why there is a space for her in the market to release a book and further questions as to why she’s famous and making more money in a day than most of us will in a life time. Granted, I understand the concept of becoming unimaginably rich beyond your wildest dreams by sucking dick and cleaning up after Paris Hilton doesn’t seem like reason enough for someone to be at a level of fame that releasing a book full of pictures of themselves is possible, but I can’t help that Kim Kardashian’s overt declaration of self-love is a positive thing: it stands up against the media’s perception of how people should look, it cries out against their perceptions of narcissism and re-appropriates the concept of feeling good about yourself – it renders the media inert, in a sense, because now we have pictures of Kim Kardashian, released and approved by Kim K herself, what do we need the paparazzi shots for?

As a woman and as someone who is very conscious about how women are perceived within the media and pop-culture itself, I support Kim Kardashian wholeheartedly; she has reclaimed her appearance, her physique and the media’s perception thereof and has thus rendered any other means of viewing pictures of her obsolete; she is a social media magnate and when we want to see pictures of Kim K, we don’t rush out to buy the latest magazine, we open Twitter or Instagram and look a pre-approved, consensual photographs taken by the woman herself. Kim Kardashian has done an incredibly positive and seemingly intelligent thing: She has reclaimed herself and has taken ownership of her physique away from the media/paparazzi. Isn’t that at least worthy of a round of applause and standing ovation?

Other celebrities are following in her footsteps, too, rendering our desire to buy the likes of Heat magazine and tabloids non-existent. Taylor Swift, for example, uses social media to document parties, gatherings and other social events with her celebrity/model friends; they pose, they pout and they represent a positive view of how women behave socially, rather than the paparazzi shots of women falling out of clubs and flashing their knickers, which is the image of choice or desire of any major publication; a non-consensual image of a woman flashing her private parts is more appropriate to the media than a consensual picture of two celebrities smiling widely on a night out. Rihanna, whilst her photos are slightly less child-friendly than Swift’s, also render a paparazzi shot of her obsolete; if we want to see Rihanna in a bikini smoking weed on a boat, then we go to her Instagram page. Legions of celebrities are following suit, presumably because their lives, their appearances and their bodies are overwhelmingly dictated by the media; these insights into their lives are real and they are positive and far more accurate representations of how celebrities behave and the media dislike it, because, again… it renders them pointless. Naturally, the media are against selfies and want to demonise them for all involved in the movement, but I for one see through it and celebrate women like Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift and Rihanna, for reclaiming their bodies and images as their own; they aren’t there for paparazzi consumption any more – if we want to experience a vicarious view into the lives of these women, that’s what social media is for, and better yet, it’s free!

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I promote selfies because I believe that all people should feel confident and happy in their own skins and I feel that the media intrusion into what we should and shouldn’t find attractive and what we should and shouldn’t be doing with our own bodies and appearances is a negative impact on our self-esteem. We’re not insecure for posting a picture of ourselves. We’re not narcissistic for thinking we look good and document it for others to see and we aren’t psychopaths for promoting the importance of self-appreciation; we’re normal, attractive humans and a celebration of self should be part of our daily routine. So let’s all raise our smartphones and selfie sticks in the air and celebrate being humans, am I right?! #LookingGoodGuys

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Funny Feminist(s) – Tina Fey & Amy Poehler:

Anyone who knows me probably already knew I was going to write about these women as part of my Funny Feminist series. They probably already guessed that it would be potentially sycophantic and obsessive regarding my love for these two women, but I promise right now that I’ll try to keep it to a minimum. Initially, I wanted to write about these women separately, but following their success at last night’s Golden Globe Awards, I thought it pertinent to combine the two and move the post forward so that we could all revel and bask in the glory of the powerhouse duo that is Fey and Poehler.

The Golden Globe Awards - Season 2013

My general appreciation of these women knows no bounds and could be considered borderline inappropriate, if I had the means of following them round on a daily basis just to breath the same air as these comedy goddesses. Their respective television shows 30 Rock and Parks and Rec hold two very dear places in my heart; so mch so, that my friends have been known to refer to me as Lemon, presumably due to both mine and Lemon’s (Fey) appreciation of pizza, night cheese and, of course, Spanx. Furthermore, their brand of comedy is in fitting with my own personal attempts at comedy and their ability to use their wit, intelligence and natural charm in order to create incredibly popular content that caters to the masses is endlessly inspirational to someone like me, who likes to try to make people laugh on a much, much smaller scale. They are also the epitome of funny female actresses and it just goes to show that you don’t have to be a man to become successful within the comedy circuit and that, as someone who sits at home writing blogs in the hopes of eliciting a few giggles with her attempt at biographical humour, again, it’s inspiring.

Both Fey and Poehler are over forty and have been coming into their own as comediennes over a multitude of platforms their whole careers; deciding they wanted to be funny women, performers and creators of comedy from a young age, they threw themselves into their chosen careers and have been killing it ever since. Now, their names are household names more than ever and their comedy status has only been heightened and solidified in recent times, particularly since hosting something as well respected, much loved and generally institutionalised as The Golden Globes multiple times. These two are the definition of funny women and I am sure, quite happily, a giant middle finger and smug smile to the men out there who claim that strong, independent, feminist women aren’t ever successful, or indeed that women aren’t funny.

Poehler and Fey have both released their own biographies, Yes Please and Bossypants which both stand proudly on my bookshelf (and will be reviewed at some point due to said awesomeness!). I adore reading words written by funny women and I love that both of these women have talents that really do know no bounds. Both wrote their books on top of having award winning careers, comedy commitments to SNL, both of their respective television shows which they write and star in, as well as being mothers and partners and having a life outside of their work commitments and it is yet another giant middle finger in the air to people who try and suggest that women can’t have it all; these two are the epitome of women who can do it all and are more than capable of doing these things, seemingly effortlessly, in order to further their career and potentially, the notion of being a strong, independent, feminist women on a massively public scale.

Fey and Poehler are amazingly inspirational women to me and even though I have no real confidence in my writing, my comedy or myself, they help me realise that as long as I am enjoying what I’m doing, I shouldn’t  really concentrate too much on people who are negative or try to tell me that I should be wanting motherhood and wifedom in my future; that those things should be my main focus. They allow me to think that I can have it all and that if I want to develop myself as a comedic writer, then I really should try… and keep on trying until I’m the toast of The Golden Globes… Right?

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Funny Feminist – Taylor Swift

Image:Billboard

 If someone had said, “you will be OBSESSED with this woman in 2015”when Taylor Swift first came on the scene, I’d probably spit my drink out laughing and wondered what you’d been smoking prior to saying something so entirely ridiculous. Taylor Swift, at the time, was the epitome of everything I disliked in music: An overly manufactured pretty girl with, as far as I could tell from never having listened to her music, absolutely no talent and would eventually be used up and spat out, thus left to disintegrate into a breakdown before she reached twenty five. I didn’t think she was anything other than gossip magazine fodder, but, quite happily, I’ve been proved wrong.

Like many other women in the media in 2014, Taylor Swift admitted that she identified with the feminist movement and really, we shouldn’t have been entirely surprised, given her lifestyle and lyric content in a lot of her more recent songs. I’ve always felt quite sorry for Swift: ever since her dating repertoire became something that the public deemed their property, and pictures of her with different men emerged online and became viral, I’ve always felt like a little cheerleader thinking that she was given a bit of a hard rap. Naturally, a lot of the images shared online were less than complimentary towards her and she was generally slammed with derogatory slurs that branded her a whore or a slut, because she deigned to have more than one lover in her life time.

Some of the imagery included pictures of her and a man, with attacks blaming Taylor for the breakdown of relationships, assuming that she was annoying or she didn’t behave properly within a relationship and that’s why men didn’t want her. Other images compared her to the likes of Katy Perry and Rihanna in another pathetic game that wondered why they weren’t considered role models to children when Swift was, given her bed post clearly had more notches than a Syrian warzone, surely she is the OPPOSITE of what we want our children listening to? Is no one thinking of those poor, helpless children when they buy her albums? The men on the internet are, at least!

Taylor Swift’s treatment by the internet was tantamount to the Madonna and the Whore complex, or similar to stating that when a man sleeps with multiple women he is heralded a hero by other men, but when a woman doing it, she should be sent to a convent for being so wayward and unrepenting of an alleged whoreishness that was she was only branded with in the first place by, seemingly, men. It was another element of controlling young women: “Don’t sleep with men! They won’t respect you!” and thus the idea of the virginal woman is more a virtuous aim for young women, than someone who, you know… Does that she wants to do because she can.

Look who’s laughing now…

Taylor is now worth an estimated $200 million dollars and has made a career in singing about exes who have scorned her. Like the old adage goes, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and whilst men can sit around and blame Taylor and try to tell us that something must be wrong with her and she mustn’t behave well enough in a relationship to maintain the love of some skeezy celebrity, any woman worth her salt knows that she hasn’t done anything wrong and that her actions and response to all the haters is ‘Shake It Off’ – if that isn’t feminism, then slap my arse and call me a bitch.

In 2014, it seems that her career exploded again and that she is doing better than ever since her relase of 1989 and the singles that we’ve heard from that, in particular Blank Space is the epitome of being a young twenty something feminist. Lyrics include I’ve got a long list of ex-lovers/they’ll tell I’m insane and Darling I’m a Nightmare/Dressed like a daydream – She openly admits that she might be annoying in a relationship and that she ‘gets drunk’ on jealousy and that being insecure in a relationship and calling your boyfriend out for texting other women or generally being a pain in the arse is okay – standing up for yourself regardless of how ‘insane’ your ex-boyfriends might say you are is the key here; she’s letting young women everywhere know that it is entirely okay to be yourself in a relationship and what self-respecting woman can’t stand up and applaud her for that?

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Funny Feminist – An Introduction.

Don’t let the title confuse you; I know the notion of a funny feminist is about as bizarre as peering into a tree trunk and watching a red squirrel donning nipple tassels and shaking what her mama gave her for leering grey squirrels for a few extra nuts during the winter, but worry not, fair reader, there are such things as funny feminists!

As previously discussed in another blog, I decided before Christmas that I would add a few more blogging goals to my general list of things I’d like to do this year and one of them was the concept of a series of ‘funny feminist’ posts written by either myself, or if people wanted to, other bloggers or readers/people who don’t blog of their own, but plenty of ideas they want to get out there.

It doesn’t have to be a post full of jokes etc. it could be anything at all; a generally humorous take on anything within pop culture, or a news piece, or even something that’s gone viral on the internet. A lot of women I know have hilarious opinions on pretty much everything, but they don’t really have the platform to post them anywhere other than perhaps a tweet or a Facebook status, so I want to do something that allows them to use my blog as their platform and allows them to write their opinions using their wit and personality as a basis.

‘Funny Feminst’ will be a series of blog posts posted once every week, or month depending on how I decide to do it, or how much interest there is, or how busy I am, but I think it’s a pretty good idea. I also want to use this to write about women who identify as feminists who I respect/like and would like to write a piece on, so there’s always that too.

I will be writing something shortly, but thought I’d introduce it a little bit first, before I get posting!

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Sexual Confidence

Recently, I agreed to answer some questions for a journalist who was looking to find some women between the ages of 25 and 30, who would be willing to answer some questions about their sexual confidence for a supplement in one of the UK’s largest newspaper publications, a free magazine targeted at women. The article came out earlier in the week, and suffice it to say, I was bitterly disappointed at being severely misquoted and having my well thought out, articulate and structured answers butchered and spliced to fit the journalist’s true intentions when writing the article. What I gathered from it is that neither the journalist, nor anyone at the magazine, truly cared about the sexual confidence of young women, but, instead, wanted to marginalise these women into certain categories and from my perspective, none of us were shown in a positive light. In hindsight, I realise that the questions were both vague and worryingly infantile for a grown woman to be asking another and instead of putting my faith in this person, hoping to, eventually, find an article that didn’t discuss sexual discourse from an angle consisting of solely demographics, percentages and charts, but instead, highlighting that sexual confidence is something that we should all be aware of and participating in. Needless to say, I was wrong about the journalist and wrong about the publication; instead of championing women who are confident in their sex lives, the article seemingly chastised us for daring to speak so brazenly about our sexual pasts. Shame on us, eh? So, in today’s blog post I am going to write about what I would have chosen, had I, as a decent writer and person, been given the opportunity to do so:

 

Typically, the concept of being sexually confident is something that is, by and large, considered a taboo topic, even in today’s society. To discuss being sexually confident, perhaps conjures images of that rare breed of woman who has the body to pull off matching lingerie, teamed with suspenders and high heels; Victoria’s Secret models and porn stars, maybe, but not your average English woman, whose underwear drawer consists mostly of comfortable, practical pants, with the odd pair of Spanx in there for when we truly need it; the idea of wearing high heels and underwear and lounging seductively anywhere bringing us out in hot sweats, panic attacks looming above us like death. For a long time, I was part of this demographic; I was ashamed of the way I looked and frightened that I wouldn’t only not look like other women, but that I wouldn’t perform correctly, or that I’d do something that the other women didn’t do, and it hasn’t been until very, very recently that I realised that none of it matters: The concept of sexual confidence is a myth, yet another demographic and percentile mark that we are forced into, in the aid of yet another boring article about sex, that doesn’t help normal people with sex worries at all.

 

I think part of the reason that articles like this can exist and highlight sexual insecurities is because we all have them; even porn stars, even women so perfect it looks like there is someone photo shopping them in real life: Everyone has insecurities and this is why articles like this thrive, especially amongst British people who suffered the indignity of sex education classes as children. I’m sure I’m not the only person who thought those awkward sex education classes were entirely counter-productive and not at all insightful or helpful when coming to terms with the concept of sex overall. In hindsight, and I’m sure you’ll agree, it seemed less about providing people with sexual education and more an instructional manual of contraceptives and how to put them on; more intent on stopping diseases and unplanned, teenaged pregnancies, from spreading within their school (how embarrassing would that OfSted report be?). But, it didn’t truly educate people as young as fourteen and it didn’t stop them from having sex; it was demonstrably unhelpful in discussing sex in real terms: The emotional implications, the concept of self-respect and not doing anything you are uncomfortable with, or even consent. As a result, I found that a lot of my class mates were incredibly well versed  in the Karma Sutra and that none of them truly had any idea what they were participating in: They were just pumping away until the male ejaculated… from what I was informed. Admittedly, a lot of my sex education came from the internet; I would hear terms and Google them, or look up an array of different sexual practices just for the sake of soaking up knowledge, but sex education at school taught me nothing. I didn’t even know that females could orgasm from sex; all we learned is that we need to wear protection so that when our male partner ejaculates; we won’t get pregnant, which is very, very sad.

Even as adult women, which the article I’m discussing proves (I think), is that not a lot of people truly understand sex: To have an article that uses percentages and graphs to outline their target demographic or discuss topics that might not be considered normal within general sexual discourse is entirely infantile to a worrying extent, as I’ve already discussed. It just proves that we’re a society that thrives on these ridiculous articles to feel, I guess, the opposite of validation, to a certain extent, like sex is some kind of secret that none of us are truly a part of and that we’re still not quite there when having sex; we’re ultimately marginalising ourselves and stopping ourselves from experiencing good sex, because we’re too busy concentrating on being like the percentages in the piss-poor articles we’re reading, rather than our partners or our own enjoyment. I think the first question I was asked, do you think you’re good in bed, only highlights the infantile nature of the article and the general childish attitudes that people perceive others to have about sex; there is no such thing as being good in bed – you either enjoy yourself or you don’t and that bares absolutely no relevance on the manner of performance that either you or your partner exude; you simply either have or haven’t enjoyed that particular moment. In the article, sexual confidence implied a sense of superiority over other people, which simply isn’t the point of being confident at all: Sex isn’t a public display for us all to participate in, if you enjoy the things that you partake in sexually and have an enjoyable sex life, then you are confident, there is no in-between.

The questions the journalist asked also involved perceptions of society and that if I, as someone sexually confident, felt restricted by the perceptions society had about female sexuality and, if this would change in the near future. Overall, I think it was an excellent question, but I don’t see it featured anywhere in the article; the idea of encroaching on society’s ideals of how women should behave sexually, still, seemingly too taboo to post, which is so unfortunate and upsetting. I thought I was writing something that would assist the general struggle a lot of women are feeling, that is evidenced on Twitter and within movements such as Everyday Sexism or even my best friend Em over at Any Girl Friday; that women are sexual beings and that it’s okay that we enjoy masturbating or have a right to say ‘no’ when approached by a man regarding sex, but that wasn’t featured in the article at all. Instead, the fact that I had a partner who was into male chastity was featured as though I was some kind of aggressive dominatrix type woman, which wasn’t what I wrote at all. In fact, quite surprisingly to some, I wrote quite nice things about that person and looked at the psychology behind why he might have been into male chastity, which stemmed from his inherent, uncontrollable, somewhat oedipal maternal issues. But I guess the journalist took ‘I don’t do things by halves’ (written in the first paragraph) and the ‘My ex was into male chastity’ (fifth paragraph) and spliced them together to make me sound like I was a heartless, cruel dominatrix, because that’s what sexual confidence is all about, isn’t it?

 

If you’re a woman and you have worries about sex, or if you’re a man and panic about this too, then heed my advice: Speak to your partner. Sexual confidence isn’t about being able to perform alongside some archaic ideals of what good sex is supposed to be. If your woman isn’t screaming the walls down, that doesn’t mean you’re not doing a stellar job. If your man isn’t ejaculating into your mouth within five minutes of sucking his dick, that doesn’t mean you aren’t awesome at sucking cock. But that’s not for me, or anyone at all to tell you, especially not some piss-poor article written in a magazine.

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Can’t Vote, Won’t Vote:

I am more than happy to admit that I am not the most politically minded individual. Politics both bores and infuriates me in equal measures, as it’s something that I am excluded from, before I’ve even began to consider a party I might be interested in aligning myself with. As a result, I am one of those rare breeds in society who is mocked and ridiculed by any type of voter as being the type of person who shouldn’t have an opinion on any political party, or the manner in which our country is run. But, surely someone who is as utterly despondent as I am regarding the UK government, both as it stands and because of the parties fighting for the coveted role of leader of the political playground (Oops, I mean Prime Minister), surely I am exactly the type of person both necessary to politics and who deserves the right to complain?

The reason I feel that voters don’t think I should have an opinion regarding politics or any form of political discourse is because, as a result of being so positively dejected by every political offering we have and from receiving positively vitriolic diatribe when admitting this in the past, I am often reluctant to admit that I have never once voted. I don’t even think that I am registered to vote. I do understand that this might make any attempt at political discussion entirely redundant, but fear not, ye of voting mind set – I am writing this blog purely to highlight why I don’t vote, not to encourage others to do the same, or not to try and tell you that your political stances are all wrong (although, let’s face it, if you vote Ukip, they probably are).

Of course, as a woman, I feel a particular, poignant and overwhelming shame at myself for aligning myself with the concept of not voting. As a woman who calls herself a feminist and who supports women’s rights and who practically obsessed with Emily Pankhurst at school, writing essay after essay championing women and their suffrage (I received A*’s all-round for every single one, so ignited was my burning passion for the right to vote!), I sometimes recoil in horror at the fact I’ve never voted and my feminist heart genuinely bleeds over the fact that I am not what my fore-sisters were starving themselves and accidentally flinging themselves in front of horses for. But, I don’t think that’s my fault and I like to think that if I had a chat with Ms Pankhurst, she’d support my decision not to vote – whilst I definitely have the right to, I guess that also means I reserve the right not to, especially if I feel that it is detrimental to my country… right?

I am not the only person who is feeling politically cast adrift and there are many people in my life who either don’t vote, or stick with the same voting pattern as a result of tradition or an inability to choose. A term often used, which sums up my political stance (or lack thereof) is: He’s the best of a bad bunch. And to me, that is the epitome of UK politics; the guttural, agonising cries of democracy as it wilts away into the past, leaving in its wake the questionable politics of someone who bends and twists democracy to fit their own personal needs – the best of a bad bunch. Yet, to me, in the upcoming elections of 2015, there doesn’t seem to be the best out of a bad bunch, because to me, everyone is terrible.

Every time I switch the news on, I am inundated with the same things happening. If David Cameron has done something particularly idiotic one day, then we will see a smug looking Ed Milliband explaining why Labour would be a better choice through personal and pointless attacks at how seemingly hopeless the current UK government are, then we’ll see Nigel Farage wobbling his head and doing exactly the same thing, throwing in some rhetoric regarding how he wants to make Britain, Britain again, whatever that means. Then, occasionally we’ll see Nick Clegg attempt to join in the Cameron bashing, until he realises that his credibility is a moot point and that as a result, his political party of choice will never see the warm innards of 10 Downing Street again. And this is entirely interchangeable, depending on which leader of which party has done something that the others can attack – it’s playground name calling and childish taunting at it’s very best and it astounds me every time I see these people on the news, making juvenile comments about their opponents, that this is the state of UK politics; it’s nothing more than a terrible reality show like The X Factor, except the winner gets to ruin our country for a further five years. It’s worrisome.

I think the only thing that unites all political voters (or non-voters in my case), is perhaps the fact that our country is in dire straits and the only, overwhelmingly obvious reason we feel that our country is as broken as it seems to be, is the fact that we have David Cameron and his merry band of wankers at the helm of it all (the concept of a coalition government, conveniently forgotten, it seems). If the hashtag #CameronMustGo is anything to go by, I am not the only person who agrees that the country is flailing on the world’s stage as a result of his shockingly bad method of management. If you didn’t already know, the hashtag is Twitter’s longest standing hashtag, with millions of comments and links to photos and articles outlining Cameron’s failings as Prime Minister, as well as a particularly resounding death toll for the tolerance of the Conservative Party as a whole. These are concepts I am entirely in agreement with and feel that, as a result of being the type of person who was charged bedroom tax when she didn’t have a job and having to choose between eating or putting on heating for two weeks (which I could then only use at night, because it was too expensive to run constantly) in the winter months (of course, only having the living room, bedroom and bathroom heaters on, because I couldn’t afford to heat the whole house) and having to sign on every two weeks, even though I didn’t receive any proper benefits as a result of my freelancing, only to be told that my efforts weren’t good enough; I didn’t use the booklet to fill out my job search because I always filled it within a couple of days, instead opting to use a giant PukkaPad, I was sanctioned. I didn’t use the government appointed jobsite that linked to Monster because I found it too contrived and not very user friendly and I was sanctioned. Meaning that for one month, I had the forty pounds I needed to eat with taken from me. I was lucky, because I could just jump ship and go from my freezing house to my parents’ house where I would live for free, eat for free and be as warm as I wanted for free until I could afford to go back home… but for thousands and thousands of people, they didn’t have that luxury and in some cases, suicide/death was, for them, the only luxury they felt they could afford… Yet, there are some people who tell me that Cameron is the best of a bad bunch. And it upsets me to think that they might be right. But, if Cameron is the best out of a bad bunch… How bad are the others? Who else could we really see running the country in a manner that doesn’t result in either all out civil war or seeing yet more people starving themselves to death as they stand in a queue for a food bank?

To me, at this point, there seems to be only two further parties with a potential at glimpsing the ultimate goal of wrapping their hands around the doorknob at 10 Downing Street and feeling the sweet sense of ecstasy as their hands grip the knob, twist and push it open, acknowledging the ultimate climax of getting to call 10 Downing Street theirs. (All very homo-erotic, but I went for it, don’t judge me) and that’s The Labour Party and apparent ‘never going to happen, but there are a lot of people so utterly despondent with the rest of us that they are all clinging to a party that consists of nothing but racist, homophobic, misogynists with contempt for anything that isn’t a white man with his own business and a tiny penis to match’ alleged underdog, Ukip.

If I chose to vote and didn’t want to choose The Conservative party for obvious hashtag related reasons, then these are my options. Labour with their politics allegedly steeped in history that support the common worker and fight for worker’s rights via unions and other such things in order to promote a healthier, more financially stable Britain through accessible politics. Except that the people supposedly encouraging these politics are no worse than Cameron and his merry band of wankers. Leader, Ed Milliband, perhaps the weakest man ever to grace the political stage, surrounded by upper-class snobs who turn their nose up at the very people who helped define The Labour party through its formative years; the common worker. If Emily Thornberry and her ill-advised photographic tweeting is anything to go by, aligning myself with the Labour Party would result in nothing but something that is very much the same as what is happening to the country right now. Except the person doing all the damage would be wearing a red tie instead of a blue one.

As a woman, aligning myself with Ukip is not even an option. To consider it, to even write about considering it, knowing that I would rather bash my own skull in with an empty wine bottle and hurl myself in the Tyne river during a snow storm than actually consider voting for Ukip, is painful and makes me want to hurl. I hate Ukip. They terrify me and the fact that people I know and care for support some of their racist, misogynistic and downright inhumane policies is shameful and terrifying. To be a woman voting Ukip is essentially putting a bullet to your own head and pulling the trigger (which may actually be possible if you vote for the fuck monkey that is Nigel Farage); you are not respected, you’re barely even considered human and as someone who has had extensive experience with certain Ukip voters, you are only considered a baby machine, who has no real place in an environment that doesn’t involve making sandwiches or cleaning a toilet bowl. Please take a look at this link if you’re a woman who is considering, or has a male human in their lives who intend to, vote for Ukip.

So you see, faithful readers, who’ve gotten through almost 2000 words of blogging… this is why I don’t vote and why I won’t vote. If any of these political parties (because the other parties don’t really have a look in as far as I can see from my research) achieve success in the next election, then I and any woman who identifies themselves as someone worthy of respect, will be fucked in some way or the other (and it seems with Ukip’s policies on sexual harassment in the workplace, this might be literal) and our country will plummet further into the dank and disgusting space reserved for the likes of North Korea or Australia, back when we sent all of our criminals there. Voting for the best of a bad bunch? No, you’re voting for the destruction of the United Kingdom***.

***Unless you’re a homophobic, misogynistic, racist snob…then congratulations fuck nugget, you got yourself a five year long muslim bashing, female smacking rape party! YAY!

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Eminem, Rape Fantasies and Iggy. Oh My.

If you have ever defined yourself as an Eminem fan, you’ll know that he is an inherent misogynist. This doesn’t make you one too, but you can’t deny that his entire career has been spent spewing vitriolic diatribe against women who he deems as people who have wronged him, or simply aren’t worthy of his time. A deeply ingrained, perpetual cycle of inherent misogyny, combined with a blatant God complex will do that to a guy, you know?

Admittedly, I have several Eminem albums on my iPod and I will listen to them on occasion, but I have never once denied that Eminem’s lyrics are steeped with intense unresolved issues with the opposite sex. I’m sorry, ladies, but he hates us and somewhere, at some point in time, we will have all done something to cause Eminem some distress that resulted in a scathing and potentially dangerous rap lyric spewed out with the anger and blind hatred only Eminem has been able to perfect in his career. In his career he has attacked:

Mariah Carey
Kim Kardashian
Britney Spears
Christina Aguilera
Mother of his child, Kim
His own mother
Amy Winehouse
Sarah Palin
Lana Del Rey
Iggy Azelea

To name but a few…

It doesn’t take a genius to realise that the source of his misogyny is inherited from his issues that he has with his mother; his music is steeped with intense rage at how he felt his mother treated him as a child and whilst I can’t argue that he’s lying, he did lose a battle in court when she accused him of defamation, so I guess it’s up to you to make up your own mind of whether the issues were real, or he made them up to give a little padding to rap lyrics that would be a bit bland without them.

I hate you, mom/my childhood was fine/but I still fucking hate you, bitch!*

You also don’t need to have a doctorate in psychology to determine that your adult interactions and relationships with the opposite sex, as well as your general perceptions thereof, will weigh heavily on your childhood. Needless to say, Eminem did not have the best relationship with his mother, so he continued his woman hating ways by pursuing relationships with women who would receive the back lash of his vicious tongue if they didn’t live up to his expectations. His relationship with his first wife Kim was tempestuous to say the least and she has been the subject of many of his songs, consisting solely of violent and damaging imagery to the point where his ex tried to commit suicide when she heard one particularly harrowing song.

Fast forward to 2014, where he has attacked female rapper Iggy Azalea in a worrying discourse that can only be described as an intense rape fantasy featuring the female rapper as his unwilling victim:

“Bitch, shut the fuck up and get in my car / And suck my fucking dick while I take a shit / And I think with my dick so come blow my mind / And it tastes like humble pie / So swallow my pride, you’re lucky just to follow my ride / If I let you run alongside the Humvee / Unless you’re Nicki, grab you by the wrist, let’s ski / So what’s it gon’ be? Put that shit away Iggy / You don’t wanna blow that rape whistle on me / Scream! I love it / ‘Fore I get lost with the gettin’ off.”

I mean, let’s not get into the fact that the lyrics ‘suck my fucking dick while I take a shit’ are perhaps the worst rap lyrics ever conceived, his blatant obsession with his own appendage, especially within the discourse of shaming and defiling a woman would be a Freudian wet dream. I think Christina Aguilera said it best when she said that he ‘must talk so big, to make up for smaller things’ in her video Can’t Hold Us Down.

The fact of the matter is, Eminem simply isn’t relevant anymore and in his desperate attempt to cling onto fame and youth, his renowned vitriol within his songs is becoming dangerous and increasingly worrisome. As someone who has been heralded as a rap God, his sphere of influence is a large one and promoting rape within songs is dangerous, regardless of what your stance on Eminem is. Iggy said it best herself when she likened the rapper to a washed up old man, but there is no denying that his lyrics are extremely relevant when comparing to our ever increasing culture of rape within society.

The fact that he has gotten away with spewing such misogynistic overtones within his music for so long is one thing, but to allow this to continue is entirely up to us – as music fans and as people who don’t think it’s okay to threaten rape or promote rape fantasies on such a huge public forum. Eminem, he’s had his hay day and whilst his music is potentially damaging to a woman’s self esteem, I’m not going to judge anyone who listens to him, but I think as a community, we should be doing more to admonish old rappers who think it’s okay to reach middle age and still hate on women without seeking some kind of advice from a medical professional. I mean, Eminem probably doesn’t care that he is promoting rape and giving out poor messages to the youth of today, but like, Dre should at least have a word with him and tell him to stop being such a fucking desperate for attention, washed up prick, you know?

*One of the reasons I decided not to be come the next big rap artist.

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Dapper Laughs: It’s Not Banter, It’s Sexual Harassment

The general definition of ‘dapper’ is someone who is dressed in a fashionable and tidy way; there’s also a more modern interpretation that someone who is dapper is a chivalrous man who is generally respectful of women. I’ve always associated anyone who is dapper to be someone worth knowing; someone handsome, well presented and respectful. If you’ve been following the hashtag on Twitter surrounding ‘Dapper Laughs’ an individual who is subtly expanding a supposed ‘career’ of being both a lad, you may have a different opinion. According to himself, ‘lads’ and ITV, Dapper Laughs is a hilarious show, the star of whom is not disrespectful of women within a public platform. However, there is a growing amount of people who couldn’t disagree more and are petitioning to get him off our televisions. So who is right? As someone who has never seen the show, or followed too much of the controversy surrounding the individual, I decided to look into it.

I have never watched Dapper Laughs or seen it advertised on TV, so when I initially started my research, I have to admit that I was a little sceptical as to whether or not he was AS bad as people were making out; we’re a nation of over reactors, surely? I took to some of his social media pages, which I endured with hand clenched in rage, mouth gaping in disbelief and a distinct and abject hatred of the man ITV is heralding as their new prime time entertainer. It was that sudden, seconds into one of his videos and I hated him. I can’t imagine what they were thinking when their researchers watched a video of him casually asking a woman: “Hey darling, can I smell your fanny?” and returned with the idea of offering him his own show; how is that hilarity? What on earth were they thinking; that upon hearing this, women’s shoulders and sides would shudder with hilarity before agreeing to allow a man to bend on one knee and stick his nose up her skirt? How is that considered humour? How that is considered normal form within male/female relations? Did I miss that part of Pride and Prejudice? In Titanic can you only see this in the extended version, when Rose climbs back over the rail and everyone finds her and Jack in a compromising position? Is that because he sniffed her fanny without permission? What am I missing here? What has led ITV to give this man a show?

Apparently, the show will give ‘ordinary blokes’ an insight into how to communicate with the opposite sex by sharing ‘unique’ tips on how to ‘engage’ properly with women. Apparently, this brand of humour (I use the term loosely) is something that will resonate with the majority of the British public, who find it just too hard to speak to women. The comedian (again, I use the term loosely) and ITV both equally let us know quite readily that we should all rest assured that this is just a bit of fun! Everyone should think so, I mean why wouldn’t we? I mean, of course, unless we’re some kind of humourless, dick hating feminist, which we all know are renowned for failing to understand the basic concept of comedy within modern society and the genuine increasing struggle that all feminists place on men when they try to communicate with women these days: They simply don’t know how and it’s all our fault! It’s another example of how in modern society, anything goes; you can be as offensive, sexist, racist and disgusting as you want to anyone – not just women – and get away with it by preaching freedom of speech. It’s not perpetuating rape culture at all, you guys, it’s freedom of speech and it’s all just a bit of fun, so watch it on ITV!

Welcome to the 21st Century, ladies.

Obviously, and perhaps thankfully, Dapper Laughs has received a lot of negative feedback from both men and women alike, including celebrities, social commentators and comedians, who have, quite rightly, protested that the concept of the show legitimises an increasing misogyny within our society and glorifies a culture that is becoming more accepting of the sexual harassment of women in both public and in private. Not that this is any type of defence, but to me, it seems like Dapper Laughs and many of his fans, are the type of people who will sexually harass women and genuinely not realise that they’ve done anything wrong; this kind of programming normalises sexual harassment in a manner that is beyond worrying. In a sense, they are being conditioned to believe that women are objects that have the same attitudes as them and if not, they are uptight and wrong: to these men, women are all desperate to fuck, grateful of the attention and overjoyed at a male CHOOSING a particular woman to be the recipient of his male seed. This is what Dapper Laughs promotes. It doesn’t promote sexual equality, that – Holy crap, who knew… Women are humans too! – but instead promotes a society that endangers women everywhere. Even if Dapper Laughs and ITV does think this is just a bit of fun; what stops a member of the public from misinterpreting this and raping countless women, citing the ‘comedian’ as his inspiration; who’s to blame then, Dapper Laughs, ITV?

Legitimising cat calling in the streets is not just a bit of fun, it’s not just banter and it’s not just an excuse to give a ‘comedian’ a platform on which to widely spread his particular brand of ‘humour’. It’s dangerous and it is short sighted of ITV to allow this man on our televisions. Whilst I imagine their intentions are not to promote rape culture, but the fact that they are allowing this to be aired into countless British homes only further perpetuates the notion of rape culture; if someone watches this and is influenced enough go out, shout profanities at a woman and when she doesn’t respond, attempts to teach her a lesson and rapes her – whose fault is that? Because one of our most established British channels are promoting the idea that it’s okay to ask someone to ‘sniff’ them and educating men that if they don’t want to be ‘gashless’ to watch Dapper Laughs – ITV are contributing to the potential harassment, rape and violence every woman in the UK may face as a result of Dapper Laughs referring to us as ‘vaginas’. We are not women, we are not deserving of the right to walk down the street without fear; we are commodities that benefit ITV’s defence of a horrendous non-human.

Whilst there are people, including myself, who are signing this petition in order to have Dapper Laughs cancelled, I would also like to take the opportunity to suggest that any woman, man or child who signs the petition to consider NOT watching ITV at all. Not even for X Factor. If ITV support the perpetuation of rape culture in the form of a man who asks women to sniff their fannies, then they don’t deserve our attention during other shows – just don’t watch it. I’m not going to. And if you have written about this on your own blog, share your link in the comments below – let’s make it clear to everyone who supports Dapper Laughs that there are more of us who don’t.

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