Tag Archives: Valentine

Valentine’s Day Romance Tips

Valentine’s day, regardless of relationships status, causes internal woes within the mind grapes of so many people. Admittedly, this most romantic of days was created with women in mind. Let’s face it, masculine men don’t appreciate red and pink hearts, greetings cards and/or balloons, so if you’re reading this and wondering how you can be romantic on Valentine’s Day, you probably own a dick and are terrified of having it unsexed on Valentine’s Day by being less romantic than your lady friend deserves. So, here I have compiled a small list of sure fire ways to get your dick sucked on Valentine’s Day. You’re welcome!

Before I begin, I should probably make it abundantly clear: This list was compiled with independence and maturity in mind. If you don’t have your own place and in spite of having a full time job and a butt load of savings in the bank still live with your mother, then you should probably leave right now. Nothing screams ‘I breastfed until I was fifteen!’ like a man who thinks it’s okay to take a Valentine, or someone he wants to fuck, to his childhood bedroom whilst his mam sleeps down the hall. I mean, what’s wrong with you?

With this in mind, let’s continue to the list:

Décor:

Women love a wonderfully decorated room. If you look on Pinterest, there are so many pins and images dedicated to soft lighting, candles, fluffy pillows etc. that the entire concept is becoming a little tiresome; it’s white noise and doesn’t really scream romance any more. Plus, if you’re living in a masculine space it’s pretty hard to get fairy lights and candles inside without someone accusing you of being gay, which is definitely NOT what you want someone you want to stick your dick in to feel like. So, I have the best solution: Balloons. Specifically, balloons that allow you to share what’s in your heart, but you’re too afraid to say:

1 firebox balloons

Love Bites Balloons, Firebox, £5.99

My favourite is the one that says ‘LET’S FUCK’ because it encapsulates the true essence of Valentine’s Day, in my opinion.

Entertainment:

Let’s face it, Valentine’s Day is awkward for an abundance of reasons. The expectation of sex is pretty much the only reason you’ve gone to all of that effort with the balloons and the anticipation of having sex may be too much for your Valentine to comprehend, without distracting themselves with some light hearted entertainment, such as the following:

2 penis book

The Big Book Of Penises 3D, Firebox, £24.99

This book comes with 3D glasses so that your Valentine can be fully acquainted with a variety of penis shapes and sizes, so that when your penis is out on the table (please not literally), there won’t be any nasty or unwelcome surprises.

Hors d’Oeuvres:

I’m going to assume that, if you’re inviting your Valentine to your pad, you’ll be cooking, because let’s face it, who wants to openly admit that the only reason you’re inviting them to yours is because your house mate is out and you haven’t been laid in ages. So, under the guise of appearing romantic, you’ll cook. If you want to impress her even more, you will have some hors d’oeuvres for her to have a nibble on and, courtesy of Firebox, you’ll need to look no further!

3 Edible Anus

Edible Anus, Firebox, £6.99

The tagline is ‘eat out this Valentine’s Day’, which is, really, all you need to know.

Gifts:

The ultimate goal for any girl on Valentine’s Day is receiving gifts. If she tells you otherwise she’s lying, because she doesn’t want to seem like a bitch, but if you know women as well as I do, women are all lying bitches and only say they don’t want presents so that they can call you out for being shit and cause a really big argument on what is supposed to be a really romantic day. So don’t let her get one over on you this Valentine’s Day! Give her a gift that she’ll enjoy. Like crabs! Or Syphillis! Or The Clap!

STDS

Giant STDs, Firebox, £8.99

If you follow my guide to romance on Valentine’s, I can guarantee you that by the end of the night, the only seat you will need in your house is your face. You’re welcome, internet.

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“I’m going to die alone, aren’t I, world?”

You hear that? A single person lamenting their relationship status! It must be Valentine’s! Joy!

I love this time of year. The first two weeks of February are filled with hearts, cupid’s arrows and Hallmark board members masturbating furiously to the sound of cash registers flying open and slamming shut, as people in relationships everywhere succumb to peer pressure and buy oversized cards professing eternal love for their sweetheart. Novelty teddies are stripped of their Christmas hats and Santa outfits, replaced with tiny bear t-shirts exclaiming to love someone ‘bear-y much’. Equally so, single people everywhere undergo existential crises surrounding the day and behave as though Valentine’s Day is some giant secret that people in relationships have; that they all get together in a big group and bask in each other’s love-y glows, sipping flutes of romantic champagne, before indulging in a mass orgy conducted exclusively on the very best, super soft red roses whilst listening to Bon Jovi’s Always. No one has ever had the heart to tell any of them that Valentine’s Day, for regular couples, is just another day.

Admittedly, when I spent my first Valentine’s with a partner, I went all out and bought red lingerie with really small lacy pants that were so fragile and lacy, when I put them on I stuck my finger through, made a massive finger shaped hole and never wore again. I bought wine, I planned a nice romantic meal with candles and even made a really romantic playlist to listen to, then, ultimately, have sex to (and yes, Bon Jovi’s Always was the first track). In reality, all that transpired was that I made this huge effort to have sex and get a card with ‘I love you’ written on, which truth be told, I was too embarrassed to display because it said I love you and I’d only been seeing the guy for a few weeks and since then, I didn’t go to any such extremes, but did promise that if he got me a card, I’d suck him off and let him play Xbox all the following day, if I was allowed to get drunk and watch Mamma Mia first.

Don’t get me wrong – I like the day as a whole. It’s nice to see couples walking around with that purposeful, smug look on their loved up faces, knowing that when they get home, they’re going to try a sex position they’ve never tried before – probably anal – and eventually, she’s going to wear edible underwear that will be sexily nibbled off (painful elastic slapping onto extremities and awkward crunching be damned!) and that the chocolate body paint she promised to lick off his cock doesn’t taste at all like Galaxy or Dairy Milk. The day itself is so full of promise and allure, which is ultimately, I suppose, why truly single people feel so left out and let their imaginations get the better of them.

Valentine’s Day is not as romantic as the cards and novelty gifts suggest; it is simply a day where idiot couples fall into a consumerist trap and come up with ridiculous romantic situations that involve edible underwear and chocolates shaped like sex organs, which will ultimately get shovelled into someone’s mouth in front of the TV in a not at all sexy manner, when there partner isn’t even home or they’ve broken up. All couples ultimately do on Valentine’s Day is eat food, get drunk and have anal sex to music to make the whole process seem somewhat less uncomfortable and awkward. And, as is the single person’s adage every time this non-holiday comes knocking: We can do that any day of the year. So why bother making all that fuss?

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