Tag Archives: Romance

Valentine’s Day Romance Tips

Valentine’s day, regardless of relationships status, causes internal woes within the mind grapes of so many people. Admittedly, this most romantic of days was created with women in mind. Let’s face it, masculine men don’t appreciate red and pink hearts, greetings cards and/or balloons, so if you’re reading this and wondering how you can be romantic on Valentine’s Day, you probably own a dick and are terrified of having it unsexed on Valentine’s Day by being less romantic than your lady friend deserves. So, here I have compiled a small list of sure fire ways to get your dick sucked on Valentine’s Day. You’re welcome!

Before I begin, I should probably make it abundantly clear: This list was compiled with independence and maturity in mind. If you don’t have your own place and in spite of having a full time job and a butt load of savings in the bank still live with your mother, then you should probably leave right now. Nothing screams ‘I breastfed until I was fifteen!’ like a man who thinks it’s okay to take a Valentine, or someone he wants to fuck, to his childhood bedroom whilst his mam sleeps down the hall. I mean, what’s wrong with you?

With this in mind, let’s continue to the list:

Décor:

Women love a wonderfully decorated room. If you look on Pinterest, there are so many pins and images dedicated to soft lighting, candles, fluffy pillows etc. that the entire concept is becoming a little tiresome; it’s white noise and doesn’t really scream romance any more. Plus, if you’re living in a masculine space it’s pretty hard to get fairy lights and candles inside without someone accusing you of being gay, which is definitely NOT what you want someone you want to stick your dick in to feel like. So, I have the best solution: Balloons. Specifically, balloons that allow you to share what’s in your heart, but you’re too afraid to say:

1 firebox balloons

Love Bites Balloons, Firebox, £5.99

My favourite is the one that says ‘LET’S FUCK’ because it encapsulates the true essence of Valentine’s Day, in my opinion.

Entertainment:

Let’s face it, Valentine’s Day is awkward for an abundance of reasons. The expectation of sex is pretty much the only reason you’ve gone to all of that effort with the balloons and the anticipation of having sex may be too much for your Valentine to comprehend, without distracting themselves with some light hearted entertainment, such as the following:

2 penis book

The Big Book Of Penises 3D, Firebox, £24.99

This book comes with 3D glasses so that your Valentine can be fully acquainted with a variety of penis shapes and sizes, so that when your penis is out on the table (please not literally), there won’t be any nasty or unwelcome surprises.

Hors d’Oeuvres:

I’m going to assume that, if you’re inviting your Valentine to your pad, you’ll be cooking, because let’s face it, who wants to openly admit that the only reason you’re inviting them to yours is because your house mate is out and you haven’t been laid in ages. So, under the guise of appearing romantic, you’ll cook. If you want to impress her even more, you will have some hors d’oeuvres for her to have a nibble on and, courtesy of Firebox, you’ll need to look no further!

3 Edible Anus

Edible Anus, Firebox, £6.99

The tagline is ‘eat out this Valentine’s Day’, which is, really, all you need to know.

Gifts:

The ultimate goal for any girl on Valentine’s Day is receiving gifts. If she tells you otherwise she’s lying, because she doesn’t want to seem like a bitch, but if you know women as well as I do, women are all lying bitches and only say they don’t want presents so that they can call you out for being shit and cause a really big argument on what is supposed to be a really romantic day. So don’t let her get one over on you this Valentine’s Day! Give her a gift that she’ll enjoy. Like crabs! Or Syphillis! Or The Clap!

STDS

Giant STDs, Firebox, £8.99

If you follow my guide to romance on Valentine’s, I can guarantee you that by the end of the night, the only seat you will need in your house is your face. You’re welcome, internet.

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The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets by Eva Rice

editThis book is one of my favourite books of all time and there is not a year goes by where I don’t settle down with a large mug of tea in the most comfortable place in my house and read this novel. It’s by no means the greatest book ever written and probably didn’t win a plethora of awards upon release for being some kind of wonder-book, but it is one of my favourites all the same, so I thought I’d write about it.

The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets is one of those rare treats, like a huge furry blanket or a rain dripping on the window pane as you snuggle up toasty warm after a long day. The novel is set in post-war England during the 1950s and centres on our protagonist, a delightfully awkward teenager, Penelope, her wonderfully eccentric best friend Charlotte and her mysteriously sardonic cousin Harry, as well as a host of secondary characters, all so beautifully written that they don’t seem secondary to the plot. Rice writes about her characters in such a way that each individual seems more imperative than the next; each so wonderfully eccentric that their storylines are almost as captivating as the central plot, which is of course, a love story. I’m usually very wary of love stories. I grew up reading a lot of them due to my inherent adoration of romance and my desire to be swept off my feet in some grandiose romantic manner, which says a lot more about me than I’m willing to admit. Eventually, though, after reading so many, I felt I was becoming too immune to the plots, I rolled my eyes at a lot of the same language being perpetuated from novel to novel, author to author and thus stopped reading altogether. I’ve never felt that with The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets and when in need of a pick me up, a cosy love story to warm my cockles, I reach for Penelope and her band of merry friends and family, to soothe the hopeless romantic in me. Rice writes in such a manner that, although her language is relatively the same as the novel progresses, that it doesn’t really matter; instead of feeling that Rice is writing it from the perspective of Penelope, you feel as though the teenager herself was writing the novel, thus repetitive use of the world ‘giggle’ seems all the more acceptable – in honesty, I feel that it is a triumph in Rice’s career to be able to write something so encapsulating, that it doesn’t feel like I’m reading a novel at all, but diary excerpts of a teenager learning about life, friendship, love and rock and roll.

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Rice has a distinctively excellent manner of encapsulating the reader into the 1950s and brings the decade alive on the page; the settings within the novel, such as Penelope’s grand, crumbling ancestral home, her friend Charlotte’s auntie’s full to the brim, jumbled, messy flat, as well as the parties she attends in the capital are all filled with decadent detail that make you feel as though you were there – like I say, the novel doesn’t read as such, it reads like a memoir of a teenage rock and roll fan, on the brink of something huge. It’s a spectacular book.

Of course, the plot is entirely predictable, but Rice manages to hide it in such a manner, that it really doesn’t matter; the dialogue is too captivating, the 1950s setting too entrancing, the characters too enchanting, that you really don’t notice the romance developing until it actually happens and by then you’re so engrossed in the novel that you can’t help but whoop with glee, or shed a tear for the protagonist and her magician. I love this book with a passion and every time I finish, my heart feels full to the brim with longing and a desire to read it again and again. As far as romantic, girly novels go, this one is the cherry on top of the frothy, creamy cake for me.

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