Tag Archives: Funny

Dear Diary: An Entry by a Meninist:

THIS IS A MAN’S WORLD and I know that the songs says that the world is nothing, NOTHING without a woman or a girl, but James Brown also wrote the lyrics ‘…making the men sandwiches’ to go on the end of that sentence, but due to copyright infringements within the sandwich industry, he couldn’t include it in is song, so he only ever sang it at special occasions like his wife’s birthday or Women’s Day, or something really gay like that. Also, women, have you seen how many women female leaders there are in the world? This is just PROOF that you guys can’t do anything and that you need men to do all of the important stuff like stop wars and hatred and racism and all the great things we’ve accomplished as men.

We aren’t going to stand for you taking over the world anymore, feminists! You hear me?! We’re not stupid and we know what your agenda, REALLY, is. I mean, we know that all feminists don’t want equality at all and you know why? Your name! I mean, if feminism really was about equality, then why does it start with FEM? EH? You think we’re so stupid don’t you, feminists, with your arm pit hair and your big, smelly vaginas! You can’t fool us any more, feminists, you aren’t smart enough out smart US! I mean, this is why movements like MENINIST exist, so that you feminists KNOW that it’s a man’s world and that WE’RE IN CHARGE. Equality can never be achieved unless you all realise that MEN ARE IN CHARGE. Idiots!

You know the reason why everyone hates Mondays? Because of Feminists. They have weekly meetings on Mondays where they stand around and say nasty things about men and I heard a rumour that once, a musical GENIUS named Bob Geldof openly admitted that he hated MONDAY because of feminists and they had him MURDERED. I mean, if that isn’t a sign that feminists hate all men, then I really don’t know what other examples I could give you. Except maybe that all feminists want to chop everyone’s penis off, so that all men are then women, and the world is then ran by feminists. Did you know this?! This is why feminists are all raging lesbians, so they can get together and plot how to do this with every man in their lives. This is why some of them are in relationships and married, so that they can find out man secrets and then use their secrets to chop their dicks off. Also, I heard that when a feminist touches another feminist’s clitoris with her tongue, that’s how they transfer their magical powers. Another sure fire sign that feminism is like, super dangerous!

FEMINISTS also killed my dog, because they hate dogs. Even though the vet said it was due to the cancerous lumps it had in its mouth, meaning that it couldn’t eat, I know that it was feminists because they all openly admit they hate dogs. Especially really tiny ones like pugs. They also hate cats, which is why Instagram is full of pictures of people’s cats and Youtube is full of videos about cats – they use this to test which ones are feminists and which ones aren’t, like men, by seeing if they ‘aww’ or ‘laugh’ and if they laugh at it, feminists kill them 😦

Do you have a mother? If so, you should probably hold her really, really tight and not let her leave the house and maybe lock the doors when you leave to go to work or school or to play manly sports like cricket and golf, because the feminists will COME FOR HER. I mean, I don’t know why feminists can’t just leave our mothers alone, you know? They RAISED us and they are like, literally the reason that we are alive, so the feminists come in and try to tell our mothers that they’re OPPRESSED and that they’re raising a DOUCHEBAG because I have a penis and a really cool t-shirt with a hashtag on it? There is literally no lines they won’t cross to try and push their dick hating agenda. I don’t even want to visit grandma, just in case she lures me in with pie and cake and then she’s been taken over by a feminist and BITES MY DICK OFF.

Plus, all FEMINISTS are so openly rude. Like, this one time, I thought I’d be really nice to a feminist and told her that she was really pretty and that her boobs were like, huge, and she didn’t even say anything back, like not even a thank you or a compliment!! I MEAN WHAT A BITCH! I mean, I made such an amazing effort with her and she didn’t even, like, respond. I really got so mad that I wanted to punch her in the face, but like, nowadays even the likes of PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA is being mindwashed by these feminists and telling men that they can’t hit women when they’re trying to chop their dick off or not responding to us on social media. I mean, for fucks sake!

This is exactly the reason why I’m a meninist. These women have to be STOPPED. They’re trying to take over the world and aren’t at all interested in EQUALITY like I am. If you’re with me, please stand up with me and chant nasty things at feminists and also buy this t-shirt, of which all proceeds will go to FEMINISTS ARE DICKHATING MURDERERS WHO HATE CATS AND DOGS AND DICK AND OUR MOTHERS AND ALSO REJECTED ME ONE TIME!

feminist

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My Career Aspirations Growing Up.

Maybe I could be a telephone operator! No… I wouldn’t like to wear those things over my ears. I wish I had a guardian angel, you know like Debbie Reynolds had in Tammy? What do you think?

As someone who, at the age of twenty six, seems to be having a career orientated life crisis on an almost daily basis and is generally anxious about her future because she has no idea what she wants to do other than earn money and buy shoes, I thought it pertinent to add a post depicting my journey through desired career choices that I’ve had since being a small child. As you will probably be able to tell whilst reading, I had very little grasp on reality growing up and was constantly changing my mind about career choices, which is probably why I’m so cast adrift now. Thanks, child me!

Teacher – I think every girl wanted to be a teacher growing up. I wanted to be a teacher, because my teacher at the time had really nice shoes with bows on and I liked the sound they made when she walked through the classroom. Also I was persistently top of the class when I was a kid and liked being the favourite of pretty much all of my teachers and also I was always picked to read first and was colour-groups ahead of my classmates who I helped teach how to read. So really becoming a teacher was a natural calling in my life, at this point, as let’s face it, aside from the great shoes and the wages, I was a teacher. One of the career choices people constantly tell me to look into is teaching, but as I grew older, I realised that kids are little bastards and that the older they get, the more arsey they become. I genuinely don’t think I’d be able to keep a level head with some puberty ridden shit bag being a nuisance in my class. I’d end up on the front of all national newspapers as the woman who beheaded a little bastard for bad-mouthing Shakespeare. And I’d stand by it too, the little rat.

Vet – If I’m being perfectly honest, I don’t think I knew what being a vet entailed growing up. All I really knew is that I liked watching Animal Hospital and loved watching the vets talk about the animals in great detail, soothing, calming tones lulling both me and the animal into a false sense of security. I would still like to be a vet today, but I wouldn’t want to operate on anything or euthanise anything either. Really, I guess all I wanted to be and what I would still like to be, is a professional dog and cat stroker, which according to my career’s officer at school, doesn’t exist and I should probably focus on a more realistic career goal instead.

Woman who walks around museum pointing at stuff and then talking about it – I don’t think that’s the real name of this particular career choice, but all I had in my head was a “curator” which is something different; I think that’s the name of someone who gathers stuff in the museum, rather than shows groups of school kids around. Anyway, I went on a school trip when I was little and this is what sparked my initial interest. An amazingly articulate woman showed us around and I decided that I wanted to be her, so when I got home, I presented my sister and mother with all of the things we owned in our living room and spoke proficiently and seriously about how all of our living room objects were from ancient China. Maybe guess what the exhibit we were shown around was? Ancient Chinese artefacts. I needn’t have gone, given my living room was bursting with the stuff!

Librarian – This career choice was generally a no brainer for me, given my passion for books and reading growing up, but really, at the time of deciding this, all I really wanted to do was own my own library and be Belle from Beauty and the Beast, however, given my abundant intelligence from a young age, I guess deep down I knew that girls didn’t fall for hairy-wolf-men that were made that way by magical white witches, so I thought that entirely ruled out the Disney Princess option, thus librarian became my only real option. I changed my mind during my first year of comprehensive school when I realised that our librarian was a mean, cruel woman who wanted to keep us away from all of the books by not letting us in the library at all, which not only negates the idea of a library, but makes all librarians absolute wankers, if you ask me.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer – what? I did want to be Buffy. I liked the way she kicked and punched and I loved her snappy retorts to vampires and people in general. She was cool and confident, she was fierce and unstoppable and a vampire, one that filled my pre-teen heart with gooey feelings, fell in love with her! Then later on, a really bad vampire fell in love with her and become all soft and gooey too! It was very inspirational to, not only a hopeless romantic, but to someone who also grew up wanting to be the pink Power Ranger – at the time, even I knew a Power Ranger was inaccessible to a girl like me, but a vampire slayer? Totally realistic.

Singer/Songwriter or Britney Spears Impersonator – Stop judging me!! I am not at all ashamed that I went through a period of wanting to be Britney Spears. Did you see the video for Hit me Baby One More Time her loneliness was KILLING her and all she wanted was to play basketball. I may have misconstrued the point of the video, but regardless, she was a pretty amazing role model at the time. She kind of lost her shine a little bit during The Meltdown of 2007, but by this time I had already moved on to wanting to be both Beyonce and Marianne Faithful, so I really didn’t care. Anyway, at the time, I used to practice dancing and singing constantly, as well as doing my hair and make up to look like a little songstress. My parents were genuinely worried about me during this period and had a discussion with me that pretty much led them to crushing my dreams by telling me that I realistically couldn’t be a pop star/dancer. I’m not sure if it’s because they assumed it would be impossible for me to break into this world without compromising my virginity or because they didn’t think I was good enough. I should probably ask them.

Tennis Player – this was a constant one growing up, every time Wimbledon was plastered all over the television. When we lived in Holland we had this huge drive way and I would go into the garden and slam the ball against the wall, whilst making the best and not at all inappropriate for my age tennis noises. Admittedly, I did get quite good at slamming the ball off the wall and it did keep me fit throughout the summer, but I didn’t keep it up. Like all british teenagers once they get into comprehensive school and realise that doing anything leaves you open for incessant, cruel critique, so I gave up pretending to be a tennis player and put my racket down for good.

Lawyer – Admittedly, I might have only wanted to be a lawyer because I had seen too many episodes of Ally McBeal or potentially too many movies. But to me, I loved the idea of storming into a room and being like ‘OI, I have the evidence here that proves you’re all crooks! YOU HEAR ME, CROOKS!!’ or given the fact that I am really good at arguing and love giving self-righteous speeches whilst mounted steadfastly onto my high horse, that might have also been the reason that prompted me to want to be the voice of the law. Plus, again, I also really liked the clothes and shoe choices and the tap clap tap of court shoes as they bustled through full of law-like knowledge.

Fashion Designer – No, seriously. This was a genuine career desire of mine throughout school. I loved art and design and I wanted to take those as my options, go to college and take art, before applying to university to do fashion. I had it all planned out and I did have an abundance of talent in the old art department, so it made sense. An English teacher of mind found out and hauled my mother into school to beg her to force me to take more academic subjects, because my future lay with English and all the career choices that would leave me open to (all, Mrs Walker, ALL? I literally have done zero things with my degree other than starting this blog. I am foaming about it, in all honesty!) so they coerced me into taking French, Geography and History, which I aced, because I am brilliant, but didn’t really enjoy because all I wanted to do was draw and become the next Coco Chanel. But whatever, dreams are for rookies and kids, right?

Writer – In spite of all the fashion designer business, one thing did remain resolute: I was excellent at English literature and language and writing was another passion. I got a typewriter one year for Christmas when I was really small as well as a tiny desk and I would sit in the living room tapping away on the typewriter, even before I could write or form words. Then, as I learned, I would write stories and pass them onto my mam and dad, who would read them and tell me I was brilliant. So writing has always been something that I wanted to do and probably will remain with me until I’m an old lady, embittered with literary failure, making me become the type of old person who stabs knives through the footballs of local children who dare kick it near my property. I will also be the type of old lady who spits at the youths too, but that’s a story for a different time. Anyway, I’ve always written stories and still jot down ideas for short stories, novels, children’s literature, but have absolutely no motivation to do it, due to the fact that I am overwhelmingly terrified of being an even bigger failure than I am now, or being told that something I really want to do is something I’m not very good at. Just like fashion.

I think in this day and age a little despondency in one’s twenties regarding a career and professional future is pretty much resolute. I never wanted to be some phone monkey answering phones as a career… a stop gap, a way to pay the bills, maybe, but I wanted more and I think I always will be that type of person. So until then, I guess I remain a little bit like Frenchie, except with really shit hair.

 

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Funny Feminist(s) – Tina Fey & Amy Poehler:

Anyone who knows me probably already knew I was going to write about these women as part of my Funny Feminist series. They probably already guessed that it would be potentially sycophantic and obsessive regarding my love for these two women, but I promise right now that I’ll try to keep it to a minimum. Initially, I wanted to write about these women separately, but following their success at last night’s Golden Globe Awards, I thought it pertinent to combine the two and move the post forward so that we could all revel and bask in the glory of the powerhouse duo that is Fey and Poehler.

The Golden Globe Awards - Season 2013

My general appreciation of these women knows no bounds and could be considered borderline inappropriate, if I had the means of following them round on a daily basis just to breath the same air as these comedy goddesses. Their respective television shows 30 Rock and Parks and Rec hold two very dear places in my heart; so mch so, that my friends have been known to refer to me as Lemon, presumably due to both mine and Lemon’s (Fey) appreciation of pizza, night cheese and, of course, Spanx. Furthermore, their brand of comedy is in fitting with my own personal attempts at comedy and their ability to use their wit, intelligence and natural charm in order to create incredibly popular content that caters to the masses is endlessly inspirational to someone like me, who likes to try to make people laugh on a much, much smaller scale. They are also the epitome of funny female actresses and it just goes to show that you don’t have to be a man to become successful within the comedy circuit and that, as someone who sits at home writing blogs in the hopes of eliciting a few giggles with her attempt at biographical humour, again, it’s inspiring.

Both Fey and Poehler are over forty and have been coming into their own as comediennes over a multitude of platforms their whole careers; deciding they wanted to be funny women, performers and creators of comedy from a young age, they threw themselves into their chosen careers and have been killing it ever since. Now, their names are household names more than ever and their comedy status has only been heightened and solidified in recent times, particularly since hosting something as well respected, much loved and generally institutionalised as The Golden Globes multiple times. These two are the definition of funny women and I am sure, quite happily, a giant middle finger and smug smile to the men out there who claim that strong, independent, feminist women aren’t ever successful, or indeed that women aren’t funny.

Poehler and Fey have both released their own biographies, Yes Please and Bossypants which both stand proudly on my bookshelf (and will be reviewed at some point due to said awesomeness!). I adore reading words written by funny women and I love that both of these women have talents that really do know no bounds. Both wrote their books on top of having award winning careers, comedy commitments to SNL, both of their respective television shows which they write and star in, as well as being mothers and partners and having a life outside of their work commitments and it is yet another giant middle finger in the air to people who try and suggest that women can’t have it all; these two are the epitome of women who can do it all and are more than capable of doing these things, seemingly effortlessly, in order to further their career and potentially, the notion of being a strong, independent, feminist women on a massively public scale.

Fey and Poehler are amazingly inspirational women to me and even though I have no real confidence in my writing, my comedy or myself, they help me realise that as long as I am enjoying what I’m doing, I shouldn’t  really concentrate too much on people who are negative or try to tell me that I should be wanting motherhood and wifedom in my future; that those things should be my main focus. They allow me to think that I can have it all and that if I want to develop myself as a comedic writer, then I really should try… and keep on trying until I’m the toast of The Golden Globes… Right?

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Funny Feminist – Tits Over Talent by Sarah Farrugia

unnamedThe past year I took up acting, as a career choice (along with YouTube and selling makeup and shamelessly plugging my own businesses). I’m about to act in my first speaking role in a short film, which I can’t wait for. Actually, scratch that, I can wait. Wait until I’ve hit the gym a few more times and got my ass looking perky and round. My first scene is a nude, or, well, I will be wearing underwear but they don’t leave much to the imagination.I have no issue appearing nude or semi-nude in a role where it feeds into the character, this one being quite like myself, a bit of an exhibitionist and a show off, but in looking for more work all I can seem to find are roles that require me to be only a set of tits.

I am paraphrasing a little here but most roles I find that are suited to my age and location have lovely little side notes such as:

  • May requite nudity
  • May require you to be groped/touched/kissed

Now, these roles are mostly volunteer roles, it’s not easy to find paid work this early on unless it’s something commercial. And like I said, I have no issue showing off my fabulous breasts or my small but lovely butt if it’s called for but these films are generally asking me not to play a character but a blow up doll. To add to the fun of it, you never know who you’ll end up working with until you get the role, so God knows who’s greasy or possibly eerily small hands will be twiddling your tits for free.

This kind of requirement is minimal for men. Out of all the roles I have looked through over the past few months I’d say more than two thirds require you to be groped or nude if you’re female, compared to less than a third for male.

I’m wondering – should I give myself a new standard for choosing roles? If the female part can be replaced with a blow up doll (with substandard fun bags) it’s probably not worth going for.

At least I know that if I am ever sick or too tired or depressed about the state of roles for young women, I can send said blow up doll in my place with a nametag.


Sarah Farrugia is an aspiring actress, avid book reader, cat lover and general amazing human I am lucky to call one of my best friends. I am excited to work with her on Funny Feminist and follow her throughout life and her career – you’ll definitely be seeing more of her here, but if you would like to follow her and be a part of her journey, you can do so here:

Follow Sarah on Twitter

Sarah’s Youtube Channel

Sarah’s Younique Make Up Facebook Community

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How Doris Was Found:

I adore The Bloggess, she is without a doubt one of my favourite bloggers, ever since a friend of mine slid into a Facebook status update and said, “you should read Jenny Lawson’s book, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened because she is basically you” and I thought well, if someone is basically going to be me, I will undoubtedly love her! So I was happy when I received her book alongside Caitlin Moran’s How to Be a Woman on Valentine’s Day as a special gift from myself to myself, because at the time I was the only person who really loved me (except my sister, who got me a cocktail glass and some socks with pugs on them, which really is the epitome of both my personality and true love).

Anyways, after I finished reading the book with a sense of emptiness and sadness that would ensue for a life time, until I forgot about the details of the book and picked it up again to read it anew, I decided I would Google her and LOW AND BEHOLD she had a blog. I’m not really sure who I thought she was at first, I thought she was just a random woman who had decided to write a biography, which I thought was an amazing idea and would encourage you all to do the same (which I am also doing in my Mad About the Brain: My Journey From There to Here posts! I guess it would be more fun to actually make a book and for people to want to buy that book and also to make money off that book, but I think it’s fun and one day I will rule the world, so what’s a bit of free work for ya’ll to consume?!) So I spent an indeterminate amount of time (meaning I am too embarrassed to admit how long I slouched over my laptop reading her blog) reading Jenny’s posts and developed a not entirely appropriate lady crush on her, her writing style and evident talent.

Some of my favourite posts included searches people had done to find her blog and some of the words typed into search engines were hilarious, as were her attached notes. I sometimes update Twitter on the fact that people from particular countries sometimes read, especially when it’s new and I get excited and I sometimes tell them about how people found my blog, but, inspired by Jenny, I’ve decided to write a blog about some of the search results that have led people to my blog lately, because I find them all strange, amazing and hilariously worrying. Here we go:

  • Eminem Sex Fantasy – which makes sense because I wrote about one of his songs a while ago.
  • There is nothing painful done someone you love telling you she daze love you anymore – which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but I do feel very sorry for the person who feels so sad that he/she typed (admittedly, rather incoherently) about painful feels. I am sorry internet human, they probably weren’t worth it! You rock!
  • The Male Chastity Lifestyle Goals Checklist – which I had to Google, because I have absolutely no idea what that is. I also had to go through many pages of male chastity websites to find my blog, but it was indeed up there. I still don’t know what a male chastity lifestyle goals checklist is, so if anyone is reading this and does know, holla at your girl, because she’s none the wiser.

These ones aren’t particularly hilarious and I understand that, given the content of my blog, that there will be some people searching for things and ending up very angry that they haven’t found what they’ve been looking for. But, I am also very happy that it is bringing visitors to my site that I am not harassing via social media, so I guess everyone’s a winner, right?

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2015: Doris’ Blogging in a Nutshell:

My blog is barely even a year old, but as WordPress informed me over Christmas, it has been doing very well for still being a baby. Last year saw me finding myself as a writer, as a woman and as a person who had less than a stellar experience in life, love and dating before May 2014. I’ve grown up, I’ve experienced things I never thought I would and I have had good and bad times, which have all been documented in my blog. However, one thing I feel that I’m seriously lacking is a structure, a proper tagline for what my blog is about, other than the general thoughts of someone who watches too much television and trawls social media all too ready to join in a debate regarding feminism. Some of my posts last year portrayed me as a rather melancholy, angry type feminist, which isn’t me at all, so I decided that 2015 will see me becoming a different kind of blogger entirely.

I’m not going to stop writing what I’m writing, but I am going to readdress topics in a manner that suits my personality more. I’m not an angry feminist. I’m not a politically charged type of person. I like lying in bed and watching bad television, I don’t profess to be anyone with opinions worth listening to. A concept that did hit me in 2014 however, was the notion of feminists as real women; not stereotypes and something that I want to promote on my blog over the next coming months is the idea of a Funny Feminist post written by either myself, or women that I would love to hear from… Any woman who counts herself as a feminist and who is generally quite hilarious. If you’d like to join in, please contact me via the contact page and we’ll get chatting about topics etc!

I am also going to start posting biographical snippets as per request from Brain, who said these are his favourite types of posts. They’re supposed to be funny and generally insightful snippets into my life from childhood onwards. I have spoken to a few people regarding this and they all thought it would be a swell idea, so keep an eye out for that too!

In general 2015 is going to see a lot more well written, well structured, informative posts about current events and popular culture that affect me as a woman, a Geordie and a normal person. I’ll keep you all updated via social media, naturally and if you are a business who wants me to write for them (I have a few of these lined up over the next few months too!) let me know, again, via contact page.

I hope everyone had a lovely, fun and safe new year and can’t wait to hear from you all over the following 12 months! Let’s make it a good one, human shapes.

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