Rear Windowing The Neighbours:

The view from my flat… Missing the river, of course! 🙂

Not many of you may know that I live in a block of flats. They’re not a block of flats in the traditional sense; it’s three stories high and boasts six flats in total, including mine. Mine is ground floor and the patio doors boast a truly phenomenal view, to the point where I like to sit in the rocking chairs outside in the summer and watch the river idle by. Where I live is really quiet, idyllic and peaceful and I love it. I’m not the type of person who craves drama or intrigue, I like to keep myself to myself and living somewhere that is as quiet as my flat is truly amazing.

Even though I live in a block of flats, I very rarely see my neighbours. I sometimes see the family who live above with their tiny little girl who as of late has been screaming for hours on end, breaking her little heart over something that is troubling her. I see the man who lives with his partner opposite who ignores me all the time and sometimes drives in and out of the estate for no reason, before standing outside and smoking for ages. I am also pretty obsessed with the old lady who lives at the very top of the building; I’m not sure if she’s in a same sex relationship with the lady I see around often, but either way, I think she’s the type of person who likes to get drunk on gin and tell inappropriately filthy jokes, which basically makes her my soul mate and I long to pluck up the courage to ask her or happen to accidently drop a bottle of Hendrick’s one night as she wanders past, hoping to strike up a conversation that allows her to be my best friend forever more. There’s another couple that I don’t really know much about; I’ve said hello to them both separately and I very rarely see them… until recently. Recently, dear readers, Brain and I have developed a Rear Window situation, which basically means I am the Grace Kelly in the situation and he is the wheelchair bound James Stewart… we are obsessed with one of our neighbours.

Clearly I am Grace Kelly, look at the glass of wine, man!

They’re a young couple like Brain and myself, which means I have often thought about them and wondered what they’re like. I do this with people who are in relationships, because relationship dynamics intrigue me to no end; I like to wonder if all couples are the same and if their concept of love is the same as mine, for example. Like, I wonder if couples behind closed doors spend as much time cuddling on the sofa, or if they like to cook together or if they chase each other round playing stupid games like Brain and I do. I’m obsessed with the closeness that couples share and if it feels the same. This sounds entirely mental, I totally appreciate that, but either way, I have wondered about this couple.

They are both young, they’re both pale and they’re both very polite, prim and I think quite proper. She is very quiet and I haven’t really spoken to her and he only says hello in passing, so I haven’t managed to strike up a friendship with them yet, to be able to outright ask them what I am dying to ask them. So instead, I have to spy. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t shimmy up the side of the building and Spiderman my way along until I can spy in their windows, and I don’t hang out in front of their door waiting or anything, it’s not that bad. Really, my spying is entirely accidental and I think that’s what makes the situation worse.

You see, every evening if I or Brain leave the house, or if we go out to our family’s house and return later on at night, or whatever, this couple are sitting in their car. The engine is running, the lights are on and they don’t do anything. They just sit there. And I am foaming about it.

Last night, we went out quite early because it was my dad’s birthday and we had gifts to take him, so we left at about six o clock and didn’t return until about half ten. When we left the house and I helped Brain put my dad’s presents in the car, the male human from this car couple was standing outside of the car putting his coat on. We exchanged pleasantries, as we always do and Brain and I got in the car. Immediately, as we do, we wondered out loud what they were doing sitting in the car, again. I mentioned that it was pretty weird and put it out of my mind, opting to bother Brain in the car by pushing all of the pushable buttons in the car and laughing wickedly as he clicks them all off, cursing me and calling me a nightmare, then we drove off, not to think of it again.

We had a lovely  night with my parents and after watching the Newcastle match, we came home. We got home at about half past ten and when I stepped out of the car, I realised that the couple were still in the car!! WHY, WHY ARE THEY IN THE CAR!!!!! I immediately started grinning, as I do when I’m excited and nervous and desperate to tell Brain some gossip and as soon as we got in the flat, we began wondering aloud what the fuck they could possibly be doing STILL SAT IN THE CAR. I’ve never known couples who do this, especially when they have a flat of their own to go into and do whatever it is they want to do. So I’m at a loss and I am so excited for night time to fall so I can watch them again…

Why are they in the car?

What are they doing?

Are they planning a murder?

Are they playing Mexican music loudly to mask the sound of them arguing?

What the fuck are they doing in the car?!

Stay tuned, because I will eventually find out. Until next time, Grace Kelly OUT!

Blogging Celebrations Ensue:

Because my blog’s birthday was a little lacking in posts and fun things, I decided that I would make it a week-long celebration. As someone who was actually born on Christmas Eve, I am a definite supporter of week-long birthday bashes! In celebration of my blog’s first year, I would like to write about some bloggers that have inspired me even if our blogs are within different spectrums. I’m not sure I really have a niche for my blog yet, I say ‘lifestyle’ but I guess it’s a ‘write whatever comes to mind’ style blog instead. Today I’ve decided to write about my friends, Amy from Cocktails in Teacups and Rachel from Happy Little Syllables. Both girls are two people I consider very close friends and who helped me more than they could possibly know last year, so what better way to thank them by shamelessly plugging their blogs and saying great things about them?

I love Amy, she is one of life’s very rare treats and never fails to put a smile on my face. She writes at Cocktails in Teacups about fashion, beauty and her life that she shares with her practically perfect in every way daughter, Little Miss. I first met her very recently when we met up in Newcastle with Sian and Rachel for the day and I had a blast. She is an amazing woman who has had her fair share of struggles, but has weathered those storms and come out stronger and happier than ever. I love reading her blog because she has this effortless charm about her, that is probably as a result of her Disney infatuation, which I guess would make anyone bubbly and sweet, but I think Amy encapsulates the essence of Disney in a way that basically makes her a princess. I love her a lot and I know that she’s had a tough time lately, so I just wanted to give back to her what she gave to me, by shamelessly plugging her blog and her friendship. She’s a sweetheart and I think people like Amy deserve to be told all of the time.

On paper, Rachel and I shouldn’t get on. She’s from Sunderland and I’m from Newcastle and tradition dictates that we should not be pals, but, like Romeo and Juliet and like Allie and Noah from The Notebook, we weathered those storms and became fast friends. We didn’t have sex or kill ourselves, either, so I guess that’s one thing that makes us infinitely better than the aforementioned play/book/films. Rachel and I met via Twitter, which is always the way, and formed a fast friendship through our love of wine, terrible banter and Absolutely Fabulous. She’s another person who helped me through a really dark time and I hope that I’ve been there for her in the same way. Rachel is suffers from a chronic illness, but as anyone who will know her, knows that she won’t let that stop her from doing all the things she wants to do. Late last year she started Femtellectual and asked me to write for her and having watched the site go from strength to strength and feature some of the most amazing blogging talents that the blogging world has to offer, it’s an even bigger privilege to be one of Rachel’s friends.

So, there you go, two of my lady loves that have inspired me both in terms of blogging and in terms of friendship. I’ve never really been one for female friendships, but with the help of these two, I’ve rediscovered what it’s like to be a part of a group that are loving, supportive and undoubtedly hilarious. Lots of love to you both. xx

Dear Diary: An Entry by a Meninist:

THIS IS A MAN’S WORLD and I know that the songs says that the world is nothing, NOTHING without a woman or a girl, but James Brown also wrote the lyrics ‘…making the men sandwiches’ to go on the end of that sentence, but due to copyright infringements within the sandwich industry, he couldn’t include it in is song, so he only ever sang it at special occasions like his wife’s birthday or Women’s Day, or something really gay like that. Also, women, have you seen how many women female leaders there are in the world? This is just PROOF that you guys can’t do anything and that you need men to do all of the important stuff like stop wars and hatred and racism and all the great things we’ve accomplished as men.

We aren’t going to stand for you taking over the world anymore, feminists! You hear me?! We’re not stupid and we know what your agenda, REALLY, is. I mean, we know that all feminists don’t want equality at all and you know why? Your name! I mean, if feminism really was about equality, then why does it start with FEM? EH? You think we’re so stupid don’t you, feminists, with your arm pit hair and your big, smelly vaginas! You can’t fool us any more, feminists, you aren’t smart enough out smart US! I mean, this is why movements like MENINIST exist, so that you feminists KNOW that it’s a man’s world and that WE’RE IN CHARGE. Equality can never be achieved unless you all realise that MEN ARE IN CHARGE. Idiots!

You know the reason why everyone hates Mondays? Because of Feminists. They have weekly meetings on Mondays where they stand around and say nasty things about men and I heard a rumour that once, a musical GENIUS named Bob Geldof openly admitted that he hated MONDAY because of feminists and they had him MURDERED. I mean, if that isn’t a sign that feminists hate all men, then I really don’t know what other examples I could give you. Except maybe that all feminists want to chop everyone’s penis off, so that all men are then women, and the world is then ran by feminists. Did you know this?! This is why feminists are all raging lesbians, so they can get together and plot how to do this with every man in their lives. This is why some of them are in relationships and married, so that they can find out man secrets and then use their secrets to chop their dicks off. Also, I heard that when a feminist touches another feminist’s clitoris with her tongue, that’s how they transfer their magical powers. Another sure fire sign that feminism is like, super dangerous!

FEMINISTS also killed my dog, because they hate dogs. Even though the vet said it was due to the cancerous lumps it had in its mouth, meaning that it couldn’t eat, I know that it was feminists because they all openly admit they hate dogs. Especially really tiny ones like pugs. They also hate cats, which is why Instagram is full of pictures of people’s cats and Youtube is full of videos about cats – they use this to test which ones are feminists and which ones aren’t, like men, by seeing if they ‘aww’ or ‘laugh’ and if they laugh at it, feminists kill them 😦

Do you have a mother? If so, you should probably hold her really, really tight and not let her leave the house and maybe lock the doors when you leave to go to work or school or to play manly sports like cricket and golf, because the feminists will COME FOR HER. I mean, I don’t know why feminists can’t just leave our mothers alone, you know? They RAISED us and they are like, literally the reason that we are alive, so the feminists come in and try to tell our mothers that they’re OPPRESSED and that they’re raising a DOUCHEBAG because I have a penis and a really cool t-shirt with a hashtag on it? There is literally no lines they won’t cross to try and push their dick hating agenda. I don’t even want to visit grandma, just in case she lures me in with pie and cake and then she’s been taken over by a feminist and BITES MY DICK OFF.

Plus, all FEMINISTS are so openly rude. Like, this one time, I thought I’d be really nice to a feminist and told her that she was really pretty and that her boobs were like, huge, and she didn’t even say anything back, like not even a thank you or a compliment!! I MEAN WHAT A BITCH! I mean, I made such an amazing effort with her and she didn’t even, like, respond. I really got so mad that I wanted to punch her in the face, but like, nowadays even the likes of PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA is being mindwashed by these feminists and telling men that they can’t hit women when they’re trying to chop their dick off or not responding to us on social media. I mean, for fucks sake!

This is exactly the reason why I’m a meninist. These women have to be STOPPED. They’re trying to take over the world and aren’t at all interested in EQUALITY like I am. If you’re with me, please stand up with me and chant nasty things at feminists and also buy this t-shirt, of which all proceeds will go to FEMINISTS ARE DICKHATING MURDERERS WHO HATE CATS AND DOGS AND DICK AND OUR MOTHERS AND ALSO REJECTED ME ONE TIME!

How Doris Was Found:

I adore The Bloggess, she is without a doubt one of my favourite bloggers, ever since a friend of mine slid into a Facebook status update and said, “you should read Jenny Lawson’s book, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened because she is basically you” and I thought well, if someone is basically going to be me, I will undoubtedly love her! So I was happy when I received her book alongside Caitlin Moran’s How to Be a Woman on Valentine’s Day as a special gift from myself to myself, because at the time I was the only person who really loved me (except my sister, who got me a cocktail glass and some socks with pugs on them, which really is the epitome of both my personality and true love).

Anyways, after I finished reading the book with a sense of emptiness and sadness that would ensue for a life time, until I forgot about the details of the book and picked it up again to read it anew, I decided I would Google her and LOW AND BEHOLD she had a blog. I’m not really sure who I thought she was at first, I thought she was just a random woman who had decided to write a biography, which I thought was an amazing idea and would encourage you all to do the same (which I am also doing in my Mad About the Brain: My Journey From There to Here posts! I guess it would be more fun to actually make a book and for people to want to buy that book and also to make money off that book, but I think it’s fun and one day I will rule the world, so what’s a bit of free work for ya’ll to consume?!) So I spent an indeterminate amount of time (meaning I am too embarrassed to admit how long I slouched over my laptop reading her blog) reading Jenny’s posts and developed a not entirely appropriate lady crush on her, her writing style and evident talent.

Some of my favourite posts included searches people had done to find her blog and some of the words typed into search engines were hilarious, as were her attached notes. I sometimes update Twitter on the fact that people from particular countries sometimes read, especially when it’s new and I get excited and I sometimes tell them about how people found my blog, but, inspired by Jenny, I’ve decided to write a blog about some of the search results that have led people to my blog lately, because I find them all strange, amazing and hilariously worrying. Here we go:

• Eminem Sex Fantasy – which makes sense because I wrote about one of his songs a while ago.
• There is nothing painful done someone you love telling you she daze love you anymore – which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but I do feel very sorry for the person who feels so sad that he/she typed (admittedly, rather incoherently) about painful feels. I am sorry internet human, they probably weren’t worth it! You rock!
• The Male Chastity Lifestyle Goals Checklist – which I had to Google, because I have absolutely no idea what that is. I also had to go through many pages of male chastity websites to find my blog, but it was indeed up there. I still don’t know what a male chastity lifestyle goals checklist is, so if anyone is reading this and does know, holla at your girl, because she’s none the wiser.

These ones aren’t particularly hilarious and I understand that, given the content of my blog, that there will be some people searching for things and ending up very angry that they haven’t found what they’ve been looking for. But, I am also very happy that it is bringing visitors to my site that I am not harassing via social media, so I guess everyone’s a winner, right?

Funny Feminist – An Introduction.

Don’t let the title confuse you; I know the notion of a funny feminist is about as bizarre as peering into a tree trunk and watching a red squirrel donning nipple tassels and shaking what her mama gave her for leering grey squirrels for a few extra nuts during the winter, but worry not, fair reader, there are such things as funny feminists!

As previously discussed in another blog, I decided before Christmas that I would add a few more blogging goals to my general list of things I’d like to do this year and one of them was the concept of a series of ‘funny feminist’ posts written by either myself, or if people wanted to, other bloggers or readers/people who don’t blog of their own, but plenty of ideas they want to get out there.

It doesn’t have to be a post full of jokes etc. it could be anything at all; a generally humorous take on anything within pop culture, or a news piece, or even something that’s gone viral on the internet. A lot of women I know have hilarious opinions on pretty much everything, but they don’t really have the platform to post them anywhere other than perhaps a tweet or a Facebook status, so I want to do something that allows them to use my blog as their platform and allows them to write their opinions using their wit and personality as a basis.

‘Funny Feminst’ will be a series of blog posts posted once every week, or month depending on how I decide to do it, or how much interest there is, or how busy I am, but I think it’s a pretty good idea. I also want to use this to write about women who identify as feminists who I respect/like and would like to write a piece on, so there’s always that too.

I will be writing something shortly, but thought I’d introduce it a little bit first, before I get posting!

Fem-Tellectual & Me:

Recently, Rachel over at Happy Little Syllables, launched a site for “pretty clever ladies” and asked me and a huge number of other women to write for her too. We write about our chosen topics, I guess, which include feminism, fashion, literature, science, technology… Basically anything that women are interested in, but in a way that is accessible to women from all walks of life.

The basic ethos of the site is, that we’re all normal and just because someone blogs about fashion instead of the patriarchy, or that someone likes reading chick-lit instead of discussing misandry doesn’t mean that they don’t identify as feminists. As someone who has felt disillusioned by feminism, until she found her own manner in which to be an intelligent, feminine feminist without adhering to any stereotypes associated, I feel that Fem-tellectual offers women a safe haven to be themselves, discuss topics of interest to them and create a space where all women from all walks of life can go to and feel at home.

I wrote my first post on there today, which you can find by clicking here and make sure you visit the other blogs, written by other fantastically intelligent women!

Happy clicking!